Men vs Women

[Maxgain]

Well with the way the first topic is going I thought we could start a specific thread on comments/jokes on men versus women.

To start

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with
a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each
person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate
right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first
paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that
paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send
it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and
anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is
over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her."Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the
Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of
F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo
who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

(Gary)

Bitch

(Rebecca)

F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.

[Maxgain]

The wife from Hell...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[.V.]

I love these sometimes. But am SO not going there. Besides, us guys usually lose out on these.

Why is it that we are so easily the butt of jokes?

[Maxgain]

Originally Posted by a_welch503

I love these sometimes. But am SO not going there. Besides, us guys usually lose out on these.

Why is it that we are so easily the butt of jokes?

Dam you Welch we need to do this plus we need to get a head start before the rebuttals come in

[.V.]

Originally Posted by Maxgain

Dam you Welch we need to do this plus we need to get a head start before the rebuttals come in

Why? We're gonna lose. Been there too many times. The men always lose.

[.V.]

Then when they win the internet flame war, next thing you know...they are going to want the right to vote.

Not long after that, they'll be wanting to drive.

What's next? Swimsuits without knees in them?

[minime]

hehe very funny

[.V.]

Politically Correct?

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore .

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

[CF-OC_gal]

^^^^^ Way too funny!

Welch, I knew you'd find your humour groove!:

[gymgirl]

i love this stuff! thanks for sharing maxgain and welch!

[LiftGirl]

rectal-cranial inversion....I like that.

[Maxgain]

Old but Good

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a lorry?
A: They don't know how the lorry got into the kitchen.



Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: She should have listened the first time

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?
A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: What have 10,000 battered women got in common?
A: They don’t listen!

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: What's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
A: The back of my hand

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point, what’s she doing out of the kitchen?

Q: What does it mean when your wife is nagging you while your watching tv ?
A: You need to shorten her chain!!

Q: Why can't women drive?
A: There isn’t a road between the kitchen and the bedroom!

Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is always a good idea to have the dishwasher match the stove and refrigerator.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say. And everything they do.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

WIFE: Washing, Ironing, ****ing, Etc....

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

[F_Mac]

Originally Posted by Maxgain

Old but Good
Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: She should have listened the first time

lol those were good.

I've always heard this one as:

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, she's already been told twice.

[.V.]

I always just tell her to take my next self defense class for women. Black eyes generally end when she can leave him helpless in the floor while she escapes. Then she hopefully gets the courage to leave after that.